Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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