i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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