And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
