apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
