I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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