why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
