It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I am one with the molecules
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
soo... how was my night?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
