you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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