I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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