theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize