I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
