He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so that wasnt chicken after all
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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