its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
