I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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