What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
