I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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