If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
