It's Friday. Sex?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
