You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
