Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
