If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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