we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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