Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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