I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
