you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
