The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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