smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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