I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
