I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
