You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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