just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize