my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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