i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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