for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
