hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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