He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
