Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
