I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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