Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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