Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
