This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
