If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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