I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
