fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
