Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
