My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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