That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
