Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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