i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
