i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
