I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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