i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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