i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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