It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
