I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't deserve a penis
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
