just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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