hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
