Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
