My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
