The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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