Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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