Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
