Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
