I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize