The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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