I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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