were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Everclear isn't food dammit
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
